3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
