Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
