I accidentally burped into my bong.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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