I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
