i think i have two assholes
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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