I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My pussy is not your playground.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
