i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
