I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize