i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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