Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
