and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
