to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
