Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
