I feel like abortions should bother me more
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
