did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
