I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
