its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
