You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
