this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Randomize
