im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
