Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
