Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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