i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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