that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
