I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she peed on how many people?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
