So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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