I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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