I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
