I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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