Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
