You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize