plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize