the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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