It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
