I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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