I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
