i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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