I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
