He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
