Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
