I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
