apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
