No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
