I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
