I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
