Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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