if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
