I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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