were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
