I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
