I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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