the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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