Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
